Entangled
46I've been in the mountains for several days with my family enjoying the holiday, I've had very little internet access but I've been writing like a fiend. Revising old poems, writing fresh ones, preparing blog post. One of the poems I revised was one called Weed Killer. Read it here:
To be honest, I have never liked it. I like the message, I like what i was trying to say but I hate the way i said it. I finally revised it in a way that says everything I want it to say and, amazingly, I made a longish (for me) poem into a very brief one (18-19 syllables, depending on dialect:-)). I hope you like the changes. Even if you don't, I do :-)
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Entangled
(Weed Killer Revisited)
I am a garden
riddled with weeds
entangling the stifled flowers.
all rights reserved. Copyright Justin W. Price. Nov. 24th, 2011
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CommentsLoading...
I like it.
Brilliant and thank you for sharing this on here.
A vote up here.
Take care and enjoy the rest of your day.
Eddy.
Hate weeds love this simple piece. Sometimes a few good words is all it takes.
hahahahha...you've finally made a haiku...
I read both, got the same mental reaction, just written with fewer words. I liked them. The picture speaks for the flower, ( Pesky weeds )
I agree with Amy and couldn't have said it better than she. But I love both poems.
Pleased you enjoyed your break away.
This, I interprete differently than your original version. From my first read, the original sounds more like you are being stifled and if you could just disentangle yourself, you could bloom. This revised version, to me, calls you the stifler because you are the garden overrun by weeds. Either way, I love both. I had more pity for the situation I read in the first.
Well Justin, I don't find a reason not to like Killing Weeds. I read it and I felt that I can relate to it perfectly and based on a current personal experience. It was heartfelt and honest and direct. And it had beauty in it if you know how to really grasp its purpose and intention. Now Entangled is a brilliant sithesis of killing Weeds. You have a brilliant mind boy and real talent.
Very succint and precise....but gloomy.
Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of revising/editing to a piece we created in the past to make it wonderful. Voted up.
PDXKaraokeGuy Hub Author 5 months ago
Cresentmoon—thank you. Revising and editing is one of my favorite parts of writing, but I also have to be careful, when revising, that I’m not getting away from the original idea of the poem. Thanks for your comments and your votes.
Ivona—thanks. You don’t heard the word Gloomy too much these days.
Jinny—thanks so much. I just feel like when I wrote Weed Killer I was too focused on trying to be poetic then I was on trying to share my feelings. I’m glad though that others have been kinder in their critiques.
Amy- the second one was my intended meaning of the first one. I feel like I failed in that regard. I’m pleased that you liked both!
Rosemay- Thanks! I did! Very relaxing. Much needed.
Exploring- thank you! I was very pleased with that picture.
Racinwa- thank you for commenting. I’m actually debating whether or not this is a haiku, but I’ve written others: http://pdxkaraokeguy.hubpages.com/hub/FIve-Thought and http://pdxkaraokeguy.hubpages.com/hub/Five-Haikus
Gypsy- thank you. That’s my goal as a writer!
Eidwwen- thanks for your votes!
Sue- I’m glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for stopping by!